And now, thanks to the Apostle of Revenge, Dick Smegma, I humbly present for your persual, belief and adherence, the Ten Commandments of Revenge. Stay faithful and you’ll have a lot of yucks without the heartbreak of being caught.
1. THOU SHALT NOT TRUST, NOR CONFIDE IN, ANYONE!
If you do, that person could eventually betray you. Even if it is a relative or spouse, don’t tell them what you are up to. Implicated accomplices are OK.
2. THOU SHALT NEVER USE THINE OWN TELEPHONE FOR REVENGE BUSINESS!
Always use a public telephone, or an unwitting mark’s, so calls cannot be traced back to you, or someone who knows you.
3. THOU SHALT NOT TOUCH REVENGE DOCUMENTS WITH THY BARE HANDS!
Bare hands leave fingerprints! Wear gloves.
4. THOU SHALT BECOME A GARBAGE COLLECTOR!
Once your victim places garbage outside his home/office for pickup, it is 100 percent legal for you to pick it up yourself. You can learn about your victim by sifting through his trash. The pros do it all the time.
5. THOU SHALT BIDE THY TIME BEFORE ACTIVATING A REVENGE PLOT!
Give the victim time to forget about your and what he has done to wrong you. Getting even too quickly makes it easier for him to discover who is doing it!
6. THOU SHALT SECURE A “MAIL DROP” ADDRESS IN ANOTHER CITY!
You don’t want revenge mail being traced back to your residence/town, do you?
7. THOU SHALT LEARN EVERYTHING THERE IS TO LEARN ABOUT THY VICTIM!
The best revenge schemes/plans are hatched by people who know their victim better than their victim does.
8. THOU SHALT PAY CASH ALL THE TIME IN A REVENGE PLOT!
Checks, money orders, etc., can be traced back to you. Cash cannot!
9. THOU SHALT TRADE WITH MERCHANTS WHO HAVE NEVER HEARD OF YOU!
Do business with people only once when involved in a revenge plot. Possibly wear a disguise so they will have trouble identifying you in a legal confrontation.
10. THOU SHALT NEVER THREATEN THY INTENDED VICTIM!
Why warn your intended victim that you are going to get even? When bad things begin to happen to your victim, whether or not you caused them, your victim will remember your threat, and he’ll set out to even the score with you.