When Joe Copcheck gets wound up, it’s tough to stop him. This time he wants to settle the score with the utility companies and their hands-in-pocket government agency friends who help to screw us all. Joe says, “I saw some legit ads for something called an `Energy Awareness Seminar’ sponsored by our local natural gas company. I thought it would be spendid to place ads for bogus seminars for your company or institutional mark.
“The kicker would be to offer free weatherstripping, free cookbooks, flue dampers, and stuff like that for everyone who attends. Make the seminar for evening hours when it’s likely offices will be closed and no officials will be there. Boy, will people be upset because even if the mark gets on the media and denies the seminar, the word will never reach everyone.”
Joe twisted his energy conservation screw a little tighter with a recycled version of the recycling drive. Joe says, “In my version, ads and public service announcements would have all the scrap and junk delivered to the buisness office of your least favorite utility or appropriate government agency.
“Check current prices for scrap, then offer to pay a bit more. Perhaps you could combine all or some of my ideas at once. It might just cripple the bastards for a little while. At least, they’d know we were out there hating their profit-gouging guts.”
For this next number, you’ll have to assume the name of some official-sounding person, get a telephone drop number, and someone to answer that telephone for a few days. You will be going around to talk shows of various radio stations to arrange interviews as a “consumer relations official” of whatever public utility you wish to harass. It’s not hard to do this; talk shows eat up guests and are always looking for more. Sound interested, sincere, and informed…a perfect radio guest. Then, when you get on the air, sound very reasoned and nice, but let your message be pure fascist or socialist, whichever will upset the maximum number of listeners.
One reader, Ron Fattman, did this number on a southwestern water company recently when he went on to talk about mandatory water conservation plans.
Here are some “official” company policies he announced on a major station talk show:
- An immediate ban on all aquariums and noncactus ornamental plants both inside and outside all public and private places.
- All human and pet corpses are to be completely dehydrated in company factories to remove all useable water before burial or cremation.
- In one month’s time, fresh water will be shut off to private homes two days a week and to industry three days a week.
- Citizens will be urged to buy filters to purify dishwater and bathwater to be recycled for drinking purposes.
- Mandatory metering on the number of times toilets may be flushed.
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