Carol Sludge and a friend decided they should stage manage an entire wedding for a mark. So they did. She handled the gown and bridesmaids’ goodies, and he did the satorial bit for the men. They got invitations and arranged for a church, a reception hall, a caterer, and an orchestra. They did it all in the name of the mark and his fictious spouse to be. They chose a time when the mark was on vacation to send out invitations for the Sunday the mark was due back in town. Everyone showed up for the ceremony — everyone but the “bride and groom.” Guests were somewhat miffed, and merchants and others descended upon the mark at his place of business Monday morning, wanting to be paid for goods and services.
Beyond that, what do you turn to after the old standard buns of wrecking the Marriage ceremony have been batted around the bachelor-party table?
Here are some quickie suggestions, brought to you by the Reverend Robby Gayer:
1. Hire a woebegone lady with a young child to troop into the reception and confront the groom-mark with the question of his continued child-support payments.
2. Hire an outstandingly healthy young wench who is just brimming over with sensual physical charm. She should cause heads to turn if she’s costumed correctly as she vamps up to the groom-mark and plants wet soul kisses on him, cooing, “Don’t forget our past, love. And when you’re tired of that little girl next-door, you know where to find me.” As she leaves, she stage whispers, “Last [night, week, whatever] was just super. Don’t be such a stranger — you’re too much man for that.”
3. Call the church office before the ceremony and say that a crazed ex-lover of the bride plans to destroy the reception. Just as the reception begins, arrange to have many M80s or grenade simulators exploded.
4. Consider bringing additives into play with the punch and the food.
5. Hire someone, grief stricken at the loss of the bride or groom, to messily and dramatically “attempt suicide” at either the ceremony or the reception. Be sure to have associates to carry the victim out quickly for “medical attention.”
6. Hire someone to become physically sick during the ceremony or the reception. With luck, you can get a member of the wedding party to do this.
7. Use many additives in the groom-mark’s drinks during the prenuptial bachelor party.
8. Hire someone to slowly and dramatically flash the minister for the back of the church while everyone else is facing front. This also works well if there is a singer in the choir balcony. Try to upset him or her during a song.
9. Call the state police or the drug-enforcement people and give them a complete discription of the car that will carry the bridal couple on the honeymoon. Report that the couple and the car are really dope mules, that is, couriers of the drug trade.