Overweight and overwrought motorists drive by in their Detroit Dinosaurs, pass a jogger, and mutter, “Damn stupid schmuck.” It’s the human way to hate what and whom you don’t understand. Joggers are often thought of as nuts, oddballs, and kooks to be dealt with.
Marty Jones, a landowner, is more specific, saying, “They run across a corner of my property, using a path I put in for my own use. I posted the land, but they ignored the postings. I have tried to talk to them, but they may or may not even stop to listen. If they stop they keep running in place while I’m raising hell about trespass. I think most joggers are rude, self-centered, and selfish. I was thinking about hiding in the bushes and ambushing them with my kid’s BB gun.”
For a variety of reasons, many people don’t like joggers. Some folks even actively plot against joggers, using cars and motorcycles, then arming themselves with boards, pies, and other objects with which to strike the runners. There are less barbaric ways, however.
Tire spikes are a World War II relic. During the hostilities, they were dumped from low-flying aircraft onto enemy airfields and main transportation roadways, where they caused havoc. Your use may not be so widespread, but with equally exasperating results. The tire spike is a simply made piece of one-eighth-inch-thick steel cut in the form of a four-pointed star. Its purpose is to puncture rubber tires. The original wartime models were three inches in diameter and had four points at forty-five-degree angles. One of the points always stuck upward, ready to impale a vehicle tire. Even today, there are many uses for tire spikes.
One anti-jogger has already suggested that these spikes be reduced in size and dropped strategically near the running habitat of these long-range exercise buffs. The purpose, I presume, is to penetrate the expensive bottom of expensive jogging footwear and, perhaps, the expensive foot of the jogger. One critic called this tactic “a really sick pain in the metatarsus.”
Ultrathin piano wire strung shin high on a pathway is excruciatingly nasty. That’s another World War II stunt redrafted for this book by Colonel Jake Mothra. Many military manuals offer equipment and directions, he adds.
Another contribution to joggermania would be to sprinkle marbles on their special little pathways. Another nasty trickster, Hidell Crafard, told me about an acquaintance at the Hunt Sporting Club in Dallas who actually put ground glass into the running shoe of a bitter enemy. Perhaps that’s where filet of sole originated.
There aren’t many counteractivities a jogger can use in retaliation. Once is to carry MACE for obvious use. Another tactic is to carry cans of garish-hued spray paint. These can be directed against attackers’ automobiles.
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