LARGER THAN LIFE:
Enter stage west: one American president, by the name of Harold Gullifaver. Well known for his startling portrayals of demented soap-opera stars, and also great at parties for his imitations of Richard Nixon. Very conscientious in his decisions of state, using Tarot cards, horoscopes, and Ouija sessions with his cabinet.
Enter stage east: one Russian leader, Ivan Sarkov. Rose quickly in the ranks of the party because of his penchant for “dead American” jokes, and by not dying. His most subtle example of foreign policy was blackmailing the Prime Minister of Bangladesh. Believes that the American imperialistic empire would have long ago fallen if not for Calvin Klein jeans and “Coca-cola.”
The United States and Russia: two nations, much the same, except that the U.S. calls its brand of pragmatic socialism “democracy,” while Russia calls its brand “communism,” except while naming provinces, whereby they put “Democratic” in the name to look good on maps. Both countries have massive stockpiles of deadly weapons, but neither will use them, for fear that the other country’s counterattack would destroy the very foundations on which their brand of pragmatic socialism rests.
BIGGER THAN A BREADBOX:
A small island, “Myopia,” so small that even has not been lampooned on the “Tonight Show.” Chief export: guana fruit. Recipient of two tons of old processed cheese from the United States, along with three out-of-date rifles from the U.S.S.R. Latest rise in the standard of living: a phone booth was installed in the town square, courtesy of AT&T. Unused because it requires American coins, but nonetheless the hub of social activity in Myopia, representing as it does Myopia entering the 20th century.
CROSSCURRENTS OF CONTROVERSY:
A Russian cleaning lady, deciding to call her relatives in East Germany, decided to save money and use one of the KGB’s phones, as the KGB never did, for fear of being tapped by the United States. Somehow dialing the wrong number, she did not receive an answer.
Somewhere in Myopia: Ring. Ring. Ring.
The CIA was extremely concerned at the latest report. A call had been made from the KGB to a heretofore unknown country called “Myopia.” The CIA chief, Hans Offme, conferred with his advisors.
“As you can see, gentlemen, we have an event of untold proportions unfolding even as we speak. There has been a communication from the KGB to Myopia, one of our staunchest allies; we must decide now what action to take?”
“How about ignoring it? Who ever heard of Myopia, anyway?” said one foolish aide.
“Demote yourself two ranks,” yelled Hans Offme. “Don’t you realize that this, besides being another ploy of the communist countries, is a means of justifying our latest budget? Why, just yesterday, one of our bugs picked up the President asking why-in-hell our budget was so large.”
“Maybe it’s a defection, sir,” replied one bright young man.
“Good, good. However, we do not have any agents in Myopia right now; that’s being rectified right now, you can be sure. If it is not a defection, why, it must be… Jones, get our manual out, and look up ‘Major Catastrophes to Watch For.'”
“Hmmm… page 2097… one moment, sir,” mumbled Jones. “Okay, here we go. Number 1 is ‘defection,’ but we’ve cleared that out. Number 2: ‘Budget cut.’ Nope, sorry, that’s marked ‘domestic only,’ along with number 3, ‘Embarassment to the agency.’ This is it, sir, number 4: ‘Foreign invasion of an ally.'”
“Invasion!” cried Hans. “Contact the President at once!”
MONOTONOUS MEDIA MOMENTS:
“I have just learned today that the evil Russian empire, once again attempting to thwart our eventual goal of a democratic society across the world, has plans to invade one of our staunchest allies, Myopia. I would like to let the great American people know that this latest overt act by Russia will not go unnoticed.”
Ivan, hearing the President’s broadcast, was extremely disconcerted. Calling in his advisors, he demanded an explanation.
“What is the meaning of this! Why has our invasion of Myopia been discovered?”
“We aren’t invading Myopia, sir.”
“What! Why not?”
“It’s an insignificant little country in Asia, not meriting the propaganda drive that would be needed to glorify its invasion.”
“Why do the Amerikans believe that we are invading it, then?”
“I don’t really know, sir. Perhaps the Amerikans are using this as a smoke screen to cover up a subversion of their own.”
Ivan, hearing this, was wrathful. “To quote a great Russian philosopher: the wise man does not stand passive while the manure truck unloads upon him.”
MONOTONOUS MEDIA MOMENTS:
“I have just learned today that the evil American empire, once again attempting to thwart our eventual goal of a communistic society across the world, has plans to invade one of our staunchest allies, Myopia. I would like to let the great Russian people know that this latest overt act by America will not go unnoticed.”
The President, hearing the latest Russian speech, countered with two ‘evil empires,’ one ‘domino theory,’ and three ‘our forces stand ready.’
Ivan Sarkov, seeing this, countered with three ‘imperialistic dogmatic swine-bearing drooling pigs,’ and then raised the pot with ‘U.N. action,’ and threatened with ‘our glorious military forces.’
The President increased tension with ‘you slime-hipped refuge of WWII,’ while Sarkov retaliated with ‘you large nosed sniveling actor with delusions of adequacy.’
The President responded with ’embargo,’ and finally stated, ‘No more Calvin Kleins for you, fella.’
WWIII had started.
“Sir, I just received an order from Ivan Sarkov himself, sir. He commands the Warsaw pact to invade.”
“We are to invade, sir.”
“Invade!? Invade what?” cried Karkov.
Karkov Cherovankev, the Warsaw pact leader, had reached his exalted position because of his ability to recite all of the Party credoes and mottos perfectly.
“I’m not quite sure, sir. Sarkov did not exactly specify. Perhaps Western Europe, sir?”
“Western Europe!? Are they insane? We could get killed!”
“I realize that, sir.”
“Are you quite sure about that order?”
“I think so, sir.”
Karkov thought quickly, realizing that out-and-out disobeying the order would lose his his dacha in Moscow, but nonetheless realizing that getting killed would lose him his dacha in Moscow. “Hmm… we will use our first wave forces to tactically analyze the enemy strength. Send an army in.”
“One army, sir?”
“Don’t want to overkill, do we? Yes, send one in. Send in Third Glorious Revolutionary ‘Marxist Mongers.'”
“Sirs, I have just received a report from the front line. It seems that we’re being invaded.”
“What!? We aren’t being invaded,” cried General Grudger.
“I’m sorry, sir, we are. By the Russians, sir.”
General Grudger had acquired his rank by virtue of his ability to obtain any pornographic magazine, no matter where he was stationed or how obscure the magazine. In addition, his ability to deny reality, despite all empirical evidence to the contrary, had helped him rise through the ranks.
“No, we aren’t.”
“Yes, really, we are, sir.”
General Grudger, noting that his tactics weren’t working, decided to try a new tack. “Of course we’re being invaded, damn it! I know that. Why do you think that I don’t know that?”
“Because you just said we weren’t,” said the Lieutenant increduously.
“I don’t want your smart-ass replies, Lieutenant! And say ‘sir’ if you do give smart-ass remarks.”
“As you wish, sir.”
“So you admit you give smart-ass remarks, do you?”
“No, sir, I was just saying that if I ever do give a smart-ass remark, I will remember to say ‘sir,’ sir.”
“You just said it again, dammit, Lieutenant! Put yourself on record; I’m going to court martial you next week after the ‘All-star General’s Tennis Tournament.'”
“Yes, sir. What about the invasion, sir?”
Kaprika Karnakov, the leader of the Fifth Glorious Revolutionary ‘Marxist Mongers,’ was dismayed to learn that he had to invade Western Europe. He was dismayed mainly because he had sold this month’s allotment of gasoline to his foil in Stalingrad, who traded it for four hundred pairs of Calvin Klein jeans, which Kaprika then sold for a tidy sum to his troops, who used them as bribes to receive a good time during R&R in the Moscow “Glorious Party Revolutionary Recreation Centers.”
Accordingly, Kaprika advanced his troops approximately five miles, and then relied on that Georgian cunning which had stood him in such good stead in his capitalistic machinations. Calling Cherovankev, he had three of his soldiers make “booming” noises while he said: “Sir, we’ve hit major resistance by the imperialistic NATO forces! The situation is bleak! Strongly suggest that you do NOT, repeat NOT, send reinforcements, lest NATO counterattack with nuclear weapons! We will break through, cut off all communications, capture the nuclear weapons, and then report back to you! Long live the Glorious Party!”
With that, Kaprika signed off, and wiped his forehead of sweat. Laying back, he resumed selling jeans to his troops.
BIO OF A BACTERIUM:
The Russian leader, seeing that the invasion was not working as well as planned, decided to authorize the unleashing of the bacteriological weapons. Deploying the bacteria in three cases of vodka that were then shipped to the United States, he sat back and waited, while the invasion of Western Europe continued to send back inconsequential reports.
The bacterium was released, and swept through the nation. However, the bacterium, strangely enough, did not affect people that had partaken of potato chips, Twinkies, or Coca-cola, due to some strange chemicals that those products contained. Oddly, Pepsi did not contain those chemicals, which ended once and for all the Coca-cola/Pepsi wars, and eventually reduced Coca-cola’s advertising budget by 60%.
The United States Viral Department, realizing that America had been attacked, instantly retreated to their shelters, neglecting to inform the President of the attack in their haste. They released ‘Virus Matilda,’ named after the wife of the scientist who had created it. The virus, one of the prides of the Viral Department, was communicable through the air, in addition to being extremely contagious. It could survive for up to an hour on hostile surfaces, and killed 98% of the rats that it tested was upon.
The virus was placed in three cases of Coca-cola, which were then shipped to Russia. The virus was released, and it turned out that while it worked perfectly on rats, it didn’t touch human beings, thus solving Russia’s vermin problem for once and for all, as well as killing half of the high Communist Party leaders.
[This has been part 1. Part 2 concludes this exciting saga.]
[Copyright 1985 by Shadow Stories, Inc. All rights reserved. No portion of this text, either written or electronic, may be duplicated or copied without the express written consent of the author.]